Reader discretion is advised, and if you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional or a support helpline. This content is intended to raise awareness and provide information, but it may be triggering for those with personal experiences in this area.
The siren of iPhone notifications often pushed me to want to look prettier. They dominated my adolescence. Social media, magazine models, and fitness tapes were the oldest trend but my newest obsession. The ecstasy of looking up to unrealistic and photoshopped women became a part of my daily routine. The thrill of my age 14 school skirt becoming loose because I skipped two meals a day filled me with toxic happiness. In psychological terms, I was engaging in my own experiment of negative reinforcement.
The smacking of chewing gum became my very own theme tune during school days. This fake sensation of chewing filled a void inside of me that I viewed as forbidden: hunger. Food was once a comfort blanket, I clung to while watching Disney princess tales. However, it eventually became the villain in the story of my childhood.
Calorie tracking apps became my guiding light, similar to a Bible. My mood and energy suffered from the suppression of hunger. It made me feel as if I was in control when, in actuality, I became the puppet, and my eating disorder began to control me.
Though my body was prepared to recover, my mind was not. Like any addiction, quitting was one of the biggest struggles I have ever faced in my lifetime. Therapy always scared me because, as a stubborn person, I felt as if I was doing no harm to my body. However, when I moved to university, the harsh reality hit, and I could not deny the stark consequences of my eating habits.
Entering therapy, I cleared my mind to remain open to receiving help from a professional. The first few weeks did not resonate with me, in fact, my eating massively deteriorated along with my craving to get better. It wasn’t until my therapist took a direct and firm approach that I felt compelled to embark on my healing journey.
During a pivotal session, she challenged me by asking where I envisioned myself in 10 years. My simple response, “Happy,” prompted her to deliver a blunt reality check. She pointed out that if I continued on my current path, I would be depriving myself of the opportunity to experience happiness as a thirty-year-old, terming it as a form of “slow suicide.” This harsh but necessary revelation became the catalyst for my hunger to change.
While I felt as if this experience was unique, it is sickeningly common amongst young people in the UK. As found by a recent study done on young people aged 12-21, one in five experienced body issues, and 14% experienced eating difficulties such as extreme restrictive eating, binge eating, and purging or vomiting.
If it weren’t for therapy, I worry where I would be now and what my life would look like. It allowed me to battle the villain in my story, restoring me with confidence to grow healthily and reclaim comfort in my relationship with food.
If you are struggling with anything mentioned visit:
Beat Eating Disorders
Samaritans
NHS
