What’s the worst part about a breakup? The actual heartbreak or the fact that memories haunt you wherever you go reminding you of the relationship that once was? The fact that the person you once loved is completely different when you look at them now, from the person you looked at and fell in love with?
The worst part about a breakup is pretending like this person who has seen you at your best and worst, every inch of your body, face, and insecurities, and now, is a stranger to you- deep down they aren’t strangers, but sometimes it hurts more to treat them like a past lover.
It dawned on me when I realised that the worst part of a breakup is healing a heart you didn’t break. Sometimes if you are stubborn like me, you will try to do this alone. For me, this was the worst thing I ever attempted. If you are as lucky as me though, you will find that it isn’t just one person who you can give your heart to, your friends possessed it before the person who returned it back broken did. Your friends will be the ones who will mend your heart. They will find your smile and laugh again; they will stop you from drunk texting or calling that one person because they know you will regret it in the morning. They will show you how to look after yourself again and it’s not an easy thing to do. I think through a breakup you often forget your friends go through it with you as-well.
You will begin to realise just how draining it is not moving on and maintaining contact becomes- this is the part of the breakup where you can begin to heal independently. It takes a-lot of strength but eventually you will wake up one day and realise you haven’t cried in a few days- that is the hardest part of a breakup. I think that in a relationship we should both own up to our bullshit issues, talk it out and move on- however, this is easier said than done. If communication was an issue, it will almost be worse after a breakup because that person won’t know how to communicate to rekindle because they never tried to communicate to maintain it.
One of hardest hurdles to jump is knowing when to genuinely let go- especially when you are anxiously attached. The two most hurtful but best pieces of advice which I was given was “you mean nothing to them now. They have already proven that to you. He’s now just a stranger” and “you have done it alone before; you can do it again”. Taking advice from loved ones is one of the hardest pills to swallow when all you want to do is to defend your relationship because you still have that glimpse of hope. I’m telling you now, that this “hope” you are still clinging onto, will most likely not be reciprocated by the other person at this point- and that’s okay.
Give each other space to learn and grow without each other and live by “if you love someone let them go, if it’s meant to be they will come back”- generic, I know however, it is the best way to deal with it. Although you want the relationship to work out, that is now in the hands of the future- not you. You need to heal alone so if they never come back, it’s not like a second breakup, it simply just wasn’t meant to be.
With heartbreak follows, restarting your life and beginning to reclaim your independence. Why is going out alone after a breakup so daunting? Is it the fact that when you try to ‘date yourself’ you get judgement from the public, or is it that you have been used to being with someone for so long, you realise that you have lost your own independence?
From being a child, girls are told from fairy-tale stories and Disney films, to grow up and find their happily-ever-after (a man) but what women aren’t taught is how to live alone and enjoy their own company. Even in this modern society which we now live in, why is it that these out-dated, patriarchal values are still embedded in our everyday lives?
Growing up as a twin, I learnt that having company is enjoyable however, I also learnt how to enjoy being alone- for my own peace of mind. Being alone shouldn’t make you feel lonely but make you realise it’s healthy to be independent for a while, to grow and heal from past relationships, trauma and even just a bad day – it allows you to build a healthy relationship with yourself.
A lot of single women are frowned upon because of these traditional values which have been imprinted in our society, making us feel the need to go out and look for love. Whether that love is in a relationship or friendship, we are taught that it is a societal abnormality to go for lunch, coffee or go shopping, independently. Women are taught to give their heart to one person to possess and if they break it, they give it to someone else – rather than healing alone for a while, to love themselves. The truth is that women need to be taught how to be the main character in their own life, rather than assigning this role to a man she met two weeks ago on tinder.
The only constant in your life is yourself, making you the most important person in your own life- when you realise this, you have got through the hardest part of life after a breakup. Beginning to date yourself, in simple terms, is being content with having space away from everyone in your life- whether that is your friends or family. It’s being comfortable in your own silence to grow and heal, rather than being afraid of it. That is what society should be teaching women, to have a healthy relationship with themselves before they open their heart to anybody new. Life after heartbreak is a rollercoaster of melancholy emotions, but it teaches you lessons you never knew you needed; and that is the hardest part of a breakup.
